strange thoughts...

[dzioo]

... I have them lately. like my life has no valie and meaning. for nobody. the worst is, by each day I start to believe it more... why? because nobody cares to ever tell me that I'm wrong. it's sad. especially everytime you see happy people around you. but I cannot blame anyone other than myself. I'm such a jerk, really.
and guys are always the cause of my bad mood. there weren't many of them, 3, maybe 4 that meant something. but still. the first one I met on a winter camp when I was 15. he rejected me. I cried for 2 days. the second one was my classmate in highschool. I don't remember why I liked him that much. now that I think about it, he was too stupid to notice any signs I'd been giving him. haven't seen him since graduation. the third one? I met him on university. but he was already taken then. I hate that, when you find someone nice, he already has someone and there is no way for him to look at you. that's why I always considered myself a piece of trash, ugly, stupid, worth nothing. but then I've met the fourth one. he's from my hometown, we used to be in the same club for anime. he's a really nice boy. and at some point we let's say dated. although it wasn't really dating, we were just seeing each other in a pub or cinema. and that's all. and he made it obvious that he wanted to date me for real. however, at that point of my life, I was already too closed in myself and too scared of any commitment, that I didn't give him a proper answer. then, after a month or two I rejected him. and I cannot even remember why I did it. it hurts because we somehow slipped away from each other.... and that's how it ended

why am I writing this? because I met that fourth guy today. he's super nice and kind, the best from all those ones I've listed. he seemed so cheerful and happy today, looks good with long hair too (he's grown them long since the last time I saw him). that means he has moved on with his life, probably found a girl who was wise enough to accept his feelings

and this whole situation gives me another reason to convince me that indeed, I am worth less than a piece of trash. no good, I'll have suicidal thoughts again today......

Comments

[cofie.livejournal.com]

You are silly.

come to MSN so I can braggle about my upcoming exams and so I can make you feel better :P
*licks you*

We all make mistakes Dzioo. And they are hardly futal!

[dzioo.livejournal.com]

maybe I am. I'll get over it... someday... maybe^^;
mistakes are normal, and we should learn from them. still, it awfully hurts ;_;

[ameru.livejournal.com]

*joins cofie*LIIIIIICK* :9 licking up those crocodile tears!

[dzioo.livejournal.com]

I don't cry crocodile tears O_O and I haven't even cried yet, I just feel down DX

[duokai.livejournal.com]

First of all, listen to cofie! Second, of course you're not worthless!! You're nice, talented and good at what you do! As for relationship advice, I've got a track record that makes me highly unqualified to say anything here. Though I DO know from experience that you're better off trying to think a little less about it. Trust me, I know. Don't let things like that eat your brain! (That said, I have to admit I've been extremely lousy at following my own advice, but that's another thing. Hopefully you're better than me at that.) You're Dzioo, you're good, and you shouldn't let the totally uncontrollable randomness that makes up the mess that is relationship-things obscure that fact!

[dzioo.livejournal.com]

when it comes to relationship, such things as talent do not matter. because it seems like that said talent is the cause of my failures ;_; people here just don't accept anything that are not classified as "normal" (and drawing, especially manga, is NOT classified DX)
maybe I should but it's hard. everyone would like to have someone who supports you, when you're having a hard time and all. most of my friends have that person, heck, they're married already. and when you look at such happy people that are EVERYWHERE you have no choice but to feel down ;_;

thank you for your advice though, maybe sometime I'll actually follow it^^

[duokai.livejournal.com]

No, you're probably right, but I can't help but think that you sometimes care too much about what others think. You like drawing and it makes you feel better, right? And that's all that matters. Besides, everyone have their own, more or less "strange" interests and hobbies. Honestly, if the people you're trying to build relationships with aren't ready to accept that fact, I'd say they aren't much to have in the first place.

As for the wonderful idea of having someone who supports you and share things with, I can only say that I fully understand what you mean and how you feel. But saying that doesn't make you feel better ^^; And I don't have any good advice to give, more than you should be a little more confident in yourself. Because you ARE a smart girl! And you're actually coping with things much better than I was back at your age (hm, I don't like the way that statement make me sound old... XD).

[dzioo.livejournal.com]

hmmm you're right, I do care too much about it. to be honest, I think about others more than about myself. and that's my problem it seems^^;

hahahaha in fact it does^^ having soneone who understands you is equally inportant, it supports you just as much^^ so thank you very much for that too^^
LOL indeed it makes you sound old XDDD how much older are you than me anyway?

[duokai.livejournal.com]

You're welcome ^^ But I still would have preferred to be able to give a solution to your problem (for obvious, partially egoistic reasons too XDD) But whatever makes you feel even slightly better is good, I suppose ^^
You don't know?! O.o I'm sure I've answered that question for you once... (ok, so I might have said something like "older than miz" or so back then, but still... XD The more exact answer is 8 years and 10 days older than you I believe... ^^;; *hides in shame* I'm oooold)

[ameru.livejournal.com]

dzioooooooo don't go thru this D: you know what? i think about you a lot! I know we live in different time zones and it's crazy just to get together on msn! >__< but but i do think of you! and i miss you! and i'm sorry i haven't been around much... TTATT forgive me! *hughughughug* you are not wortheless!!! i went thru this in high school >__>... there are better days ahead, my dear. i know perfectly well that i's really hard to believe XD;;; but it's true! dzioo you are so beautiful *A* remember that time we chatted, and you had your webcam???? man... i was like... *___* SO STUNNED BY YOUR PRETTINESS!!! So don't ever say that you're ugly!!! In the mean time, try to think of something else! and keep yourself busy. I used to go suicidal too all the time... although i still think of it sometimes, it's really not worth doing it. so ... DONT! e___e i won't be happy!!! GRR but for now, cofie and i will give you love!



it's been a while i haven't drawn for you!!! <33333

[dzioo.livejournal.com]

ameeeeeeeeeeeeee ;_; I miss you too ;_; indeed, life is cruel on us, we're so damn busy on top of that >_> don't feel bad about not being online, I am not available much myself, so you're forgiven XD
O////o what are you saying????? well...... thank you very much, you're too nice^////^ but every girl has problem with her looks^^;
you're very pretty yourself! you have such a warm and kind aura around you, nice hair and beautiful smile^^

aaaah don't worry, I won't^^ i'm too much of a coward to do something like that^^; but I'll take your advice, maybe that'll help a bit^^;

DDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW XDDDD it's SOOOO CUTE!!!! thank you darling!! hahaha you both look awesome here XDDD my personal hosts XDDD
thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, you're lovely ;______;

[ishte.livejournal.com]

BaH... Two things to remember here, ok?

1) Boys are stupid.

2) Throw rocks at them.

(sorry guys... it's on my friend's coffee mug.. it must be true.)

[dzioo.livejournal.com]

buahahahahahaha XDDD
you know?? that actually cheered me up a bit. thank you^^
and even if they are stupid, it's hard to live without them^^;