strange thoughts...

[dzioo]

... I have them lately. like my life has no valie and meaning. for nobody. the worst is, by each day I start to believe it more... why? because nobody cares to ever tell me that I'm wrong. it's sad. especially everytime you see happy people around you. but I cannot blame anyone other than myself. I'm such a jerk, really.
and guys are always the cause of my bad mood. there weren't many of them, 3, maybe 4 that meant something. but still. the first one I met on a winter camp when I was 15. he rejected me. I cried for 2 days. the second one was my classmate in highschool. I don't remember why I liked him that much. now that I think about it, he was too stupid to notice any signs I'd been giving him. haven't seen him since graduation. the third one? I met him on university. but he was already taken then. I hate that, when you find someone nice, he already has someone and there is no way for him to look at you. that's why I always considered myself a piece of trash, ugly, stupid, worth nothing. but then I've met the fourth one. he's from my hometown, we used to be in the same club for anime. he's a really nice boy. and at some point we let's say dated. although it wasn't really dating, we were just seeing each other in a pub or cinema. and that's all. and he made it obvious that he wanted to date me for real. however, at that point of my life, I was already too closed in myself and too scared of any commitment, that I didn't give him a proper answer. then, after a month or two I rejected him. and I cannot even remember why I did it. it hurts because we somehow slipped away from each other.... and that's how it ended

why am I writing this? because I met that fourth guy today. he's super nice and kind, the best from all those ones I've listed. he seemed so cheerful and happy today, looks good with long hair too (he's grown them long since the last time I saw him). that means he has moved on with his life, probably found a girl who was wise enough to accept his feelings

and this whole situation gives me another reason to convince me that indeed, I am worth less than a piece of trash. no good, I'll have suicidal thoughts again today......

Comments

[ameru.livejournal.com]

dzioooooooo don't go thru this D: you know what? i think about you a lot! I know we live in different time zones and it's crazy just to get together on msn! >__< but but i do think of you! and i miss you! and i'm sorry i haven't been around much... TTATT forgive me! *hughughughug* you are not wortheless!!! i went thru this in high school >__>... there are better days ahead, my dear. i know perfectly well that i's really hard to believe XD;;; but it's true! dzioo you are so beautiful *A* remember that time we chatted, and you had your webcam???? man... i was like... *___* SO STUNNED BY YOUR PRETTINESS!!! So don't ever say that you're ugly!!! In the mean time, try to think of something else! and keep yourself busy. I used to go suicidal too all the time... although i still think of it sometimes, it's really not worth doing it. so ... DONT! e___e i won't be happy!!! GRR but for now, cofie and i will give you love!



it's been a while i haven't drawn for you!!! <33333

[dzioo.livejournal.com]

ameeeeeeeeeeeeee ;_; I miss you too ;_; indeed, life is cruel on us, we're so damn busy on top of that >_> don't feel bad about not being online, I am not available much myself, so you're forgiven XD
O////o what are you saying????? well...... thank you very much, you're too nice^////^ but every girl has problem with her looks^^;
you're very pretty yourself! you have such a warm and kind aura around you, nice hair and beautiful smile^^

aaaah don't worry, I won't^^ i'm too much of a coward to do something like that^^; but I'll take your advice, maybe that'll help a bit^^;

DDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW XDDDD it's SOOOO CUTE!!!! thank you darling!! hahaha you both look awesome here XDDD my personal hosts XDDD
thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, you're lovely ;______;